"So I signed up for a membership with this really horrible organization the other day. Worst decision of my life. How did they coax me into signing up you ask? Well, they promised me some really great things like providing protective services for me and "promoting my general welfare"- which I later found out to be quite the understatement.
Apparently by promoting my general welfare they meant billing me on every purchase I made, even if it wasn't in their stores. Sure, it was only a few cents or dollars here and there but it was EVERY SINGLE PURCHASE!
I couldn't believe it but it didn't stop there, they billed me every time I got a paycheck. When I called to ask why the bill was so damn high they told me the money was going to a collective pool of money that was rationed to the old, sick, and poor. This seemed nonsensical to me, I told them that I only wanted this organization to protect me and allow for me to grow in happiness and prosperity! I told them that charity can help the poor and when I was sick or old I would be happy to pay for my own care. She told me some people didn't have the money and hung up.
Then I got a house and they billed me for that too! This was the last straw, I called the organization and asked what all that money could possibly be going toward. She said it was to pay the salaries of their employees within various services such as their education department.
I told them I don't ever find myself in need of services like education because with my help my can children educate themselves and I also told them I bought a gun and wouldn't need their "protective services" any longer.
She told me if I didn't have the organization's protective services bad things might happen to me, that I needed those services.
I told her I had never had any trouble before and hung up... the next day men in blue suits with guns and batons from the organization kidnapped me in broad daylight. My neighbors stood by, helpless. They told me if I paid them yet ANOTHER fee, then promised to keep paying their bills in the future, I could go free and be blessed by their "protection" again in the future.
So I paid it but I still don't understand. This organization's package is so fucking inclusive I feel chained down. How can so many people revel in their membership with them? The television I watch must be regulated by them, the doctors I go to must be approved by them, the schools I send my kids must be regulated by them, the food and drink I put into my own body must be regulated by them, even the earth and many natural resources I deal with must be regulated by them. Sadly, that doesn't even get into the fine print of all of their so called "laws". And if I break any of the regulations or policies they have in place, they say the contract stipulates that they can kidnap me and throw me in a cage for however long they decide.
Life has become austere indeed after joining this organization. The organization called the United States of America."